FAILED WAR / HEAVY WEATHER GIVING UP AND MOVING ON Perplexed as to why the Bush administration would suddenly decide to abandon all Iraqi reconstruction plans and divert the funds towards "other uses"? You shouldn't be. It finally seems to be dawning on even the thickest of marble heads that the invasion of Iraq has been more than just an unmitigated foreign policy failure; it's a disaster of historical proportions. The neoconservative plan to use the Middle East as a proving ground for the harebrained schemes hatched in their corporate-funded ebony dungeons has reaped a whirlwind of consequences that we are only beginning to fathom. Yer old pal Jerky has little doubt that future scholars will look back on Bush's illegal war of first resort as a Pascalian wager that came up snake eyes; a prideful and contrary leap of bad faith followed by a terrifying plummet into the screaming void of karmic blowback. On the crassest level, there are the fiscal ramifications. These alone are enough to illustrate why even staunch warhawks are now scrambling to pull troops from Iraq before the inevitable tri-partite civil war begins in earnest, in the hope that they might save a bit of face while there's still face left to be saved. It seems like only yesterday that the White House was publicly denouncing bureaucratic bean-counters who dared warn that invading Iraq could end up costing taxpayers between $100 and $200 billion. The actual figure, according to neoconservative super-genius Paul Wolfowitz, would turn out to be something more on the order of "$10 billion to $100 billion", depending on the breaks. Today, nearly three years after the Preznit declared an end to major combat operations, the military's most recent round of funding requests are set to push the cost of the war so far to an incredible HALF-TRILLION DOLLARS. That's five times Wolfowitz's worst case scenario. Let's all hope he fares better in his current position as head of the World Bank. It gets worse. According to a "conservative" estimate recently drafted by economist and Nobel Laureate Joseph E. Stiglitz, the total cost of the war in Iraq could end up being close to TWO TRILLION DOLLARS. That's four times the adjusted dollar cost of the entire Vietnam war. One helluva price to pay for deposing a lame duck secular Arab nationalist regime and replacing it with a fundamentalist Shia mullahcracy, don't you think? The human toll has been no less stark. The estimated number of Iraqi civilians killed in air strikes, car bomb attacks, checkpoint misunderstandings and by psychopathic security contractors ranges from tens of thousands to a quarter million. Couldn't give less of a crap about Arab collateral damage? Well then, consider this: If American soldiers in Iraq continue to die at the current rate, 2006 will see 1369 fatalities. That's a lot more than last year's total (846), which was down only slightly from 2004's total (848), which was nearly double the number who died in 2003 (486), the year in which the actual invasion took place. The number of wounded, many of whom suffered such irreversible insults as multiple amputations and severe brain trauma, is fast approaching 20,000. Ultimately we won't be able to measure the full impact of this tragic folly of a war in wasted treasure, shattered lives, severed limbs or flag-draped coffins. These losses, painful to be sure, are but the surface ripples of the strange currents pulling us irresistibly towards alien shores. Perhaps true understanding will only come after we've crossed the threshold of the rapidly approaching New Dark Age, at which point the sinister fanatics and authoritarian paranoids who have delivered us into the jaws of Evil will be so lost in the hermetic labyrinths of their twisted power minds that they won't be able to recognize it. Or perhaps we'll get lucky and snatch mere defeat from the jaws of Apocalypse, thus affording future generations the luxury of reading about us in their history books, shaking their heads in disgust and saying: "What the fuck were they thinking?!" Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 10 On this day in 1920, the League of Nations holds its first meeting. At this meeting, they ratify the Treaty of Versailles, which officially brings World War I to an end and makes World War II all but inevitable. Attaboy, jackrags! Also, on this day in 1984, aging actress Clara Peller first asks "Where's the Beef?" in an advertizing campaign for the Wendy's burger chain. Alas, Clara's glorious, rocket-like rise to fame and fortune were cut short when a fickle public turns its attention to some old bitch who'd fallen, and couldn't get up. On this day in 1987, police begin investigating the disappearance of Helle Crafts in Connecticut. When authorities searched the Housatonic river near Richard Crafts' cottage, discovering 2,000 hairs, three ounces of flesh, two fingernails, two tooth caps, five droplets of blood, a chain saw and serrated wood-chipper cutting bar with human hair and tissue embedded in the teeth, they had little choice but to dub this incident... THE WOODCHIPPER MURDER!!! Coming soon to a theater near you.

THEY SAID IT! "Strict Construction is to Constitutional Law as Intelligent Design is to Biological Science. In other words, both are essentially nonsense created out of whole cloth by conservatives who don’t like the way the world works." - Michael Coblenz has penned a must-read article for InterventionMag.com. *** **** *** "Oh here's to my sweet Satan. The one whose little path would make me sad whose power is Satan. He'll give those with him 666. There was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad Satan." - Remember the Satanic backwards masking craze of the early 80's? Classic tunes like Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" were alleged to reveal hidden messages, like the one above, when played in reverse. And as if all that "devil junk" wasn't creepy enough, what are we supposed to make of the fact that when you play Eminem's "My Name Is" backwards, it sounds a for all the world as though they're saying... Actually, you'd better go listen for yourself. Otherwise, you won't believe me.

JOKES! Thanks to our old pal G Condrey for sending in today's second joke. Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "He's a very bad man. The detectives want to find him very badly." That's when Little Johnny asked: "Why the hell didn't you keep him when you took his picture?!" *** *** *** Today's first joke was sent in by Henry Bent! Two Scottish lads are chatting in the pub about the one bloke's wedding which is just around the corner. The one bloke says to the other, "I think I'm going to have to wear a kilt for my wedding." The other bloke says, "Oh, aye? What's the tartan?" "Oh she'll be dressed in white, I suppose." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Trembly Dale. Q: Whats the difference between a woman and a computer? A: You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IN DEFENSE OF SOUTH PARK care of: jack frost Jerky – Recently you wrote me and said that you despised South Park. Then you ran the quote from the story about the episode 'Bloody Mary' getting censored, and in your commentary you provided a link to the book South Park Conservatives. You also said: 'Yer old pal Jerky looks forward to a South Park boys creating an episode devoted to defending the Catholic League, as they have for so many other right-wing causes, assholes and bad ideas.' Is this the reason you despise South Park? I mean, I've only read a few excerpts from the book (I'll be damned if I'm gonna give the guy money), so I'm not an expert on its content, but the gist of it seemed to be, like you say, that South Park defends 'right-wing causes, assholes and bad ideas'. I am, however, a bit of an expert on South Park because I adore the show, and quite frankly I just don't see it. I really think the author is selectively omitting some things to come to his conclusion. Oh, well sure, the show will often acknowledge that there are people who support 'right-wing causes, assholes and bad ideas', but that's usually just before shitting all over them – sometimes even literally… Acknowledging someone's idea is not the same as supporting that idea. And if you're talking about all the times Cartman ends up being right about something, I think that's supposed to be a joke – admittedly a cruel one, but a joke nonetheless. And anyway, Cartman is the evil in all men's souls personified as an 8-year-old boy, so it shouldn't surprise you that he's a right-wing racist, neo-nazi. But I still don't see that as supportive. Honestly, I see quite the opposite: In a recent episode, in order to conquer Heaven, Hell's minions use the Republican Party to attempt to keep the character Kenny on life-support (even though he's clearly brain dead) so that his soul would remain trapped in his body, and he could not help defend Heaven from Hell's Lords-of-the-Rings-scale onslaught; There's an episode that skewers Mormon beliefs and another that does the same to Scientology; Another has Catholic priests angrily against having to give up sex with boys, so they instead would rather try to find a way to keep the boys from telling about it; Another has a send-up of the 2004 election where Kerry is represented by a giant douche and Bush is represented by a turd sandwich (the Turd Sandwich poster parody of the Bush/Cheney'04 logo in the episode is awesome); And further still another episode portrays Wal*Mart as self-aware entity that demands allegiance – or death (incidentally, the way some Wal*Mart execs talk about the store you'd think it was a self-aware entity…). Am I missing something? Is it more subliminal? Perhaps I'm revealing my own blind ignorance here, but I'd really like to know how someone can come to the conclusion that THAT show supports right-wing conservativism. If I didn't respect your opinion, I wouldn't be asking. - jack [The problem with using shame to ridicule indignation and outrage -- as South Park does -- is that, sometimes, outrage and indignation are warranted. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, So, we have given up on the War on Poverty! Finally we surrendered. I mean we would have had to do a Cananda and Nationalize Healthcare, end the corpratizing of America, end the privitizing of everything from water to oxygen and we would have had to actually do a REAL Christian thing like feed the hungry and clothe the poor! I guess to win the war on poverty we would have had to surrender and give up the war on drugs. And why would we give up the war on drugs? If we legalized pot, all the good stuff is with brown or tan people. And you don't want them having money. Wonders never cease. We surrender a war we never fought in. Go Jesus! Later, The Dalhi Bobba [Sarcasm... it's what's for dinner! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; There will never be, in this free country, a National I.D. card... Never! However, there will be a USAPATRIOT I.D. card, and only a Pinko Hippy Commie Fag Dope Smoker wouldn't want one. Soooo, tell Richard B and anybody that thinks like him, just move along. Nothing to see here. RASTY [You're right. It's all in how you look at it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; That hottie in the Uglitron is too hot for the Uglitron. Gaping snatch does not an Ugli make. YOP6 [That's mighty fuckin' white of ya, stickin' up for your mom like that! - Jerky] *** **** *** Dammit! Have we really learned nothing at all from Vietnam?! Whether you are a Bushie Hawk or a Brummbaer Pacifist this thing should really piss you off. Dave aka Brummbaer ["What fool hath added water to the sea, or carried a torch to bright-burning Troy? My grief was at the height before thou cam'st." - Lil' Billy Shakespeare] *** **** *** Jerky you'll find this hard to believe i spanked the monkey and choked the chicken and all i got was The Daily Dirt. SingleM29 [Why would I find that hard to believe? - Jerky] *** **** *** hi jerky this piece was in the hindustan times yesterday. an italian priest has been ordered to prove the existence of god in court. yours barry [Good luck to him. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky! Could Stalin's experiments actually have been successful after all? Not an invincible monkey human, but one that is totally incompetent (viz your chimp in chief fucking up America). Herb [Fuck. I hadn't thought of that. - Jerky] *** **** *** Mr LeBoeuf, Howcum it is that a week doesn't pass when I don't see the face of that lunitic Pat Robertson on TV? Who gives him air time? Why don't they interview the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons? Seriously, he said a while back that a storm in Florida was the result of something the people did which offended God. He recently spoke out about the citizens of Dover PA who dumped their entire school board for promoting Intelligent Design in Science classes. Now he's saying that Sharon's stroke happened because of pulling "settlers" out of Gaza. It's one thing to be nuts. It's another thing to get national exposure. Aram [Who gives Pat Robertson air time? He gives himself air time. Dude owns the worldwide Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN), and hosts the syndicated talk show The 700 Club. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com